Monday, April 16, 2007

Just A little Ditti you might find amusing!!

In the year 2007, the Lord came to Noah who was now living in England and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living creature along with a few good humans.

He gave Noah the CAD drawings saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I start the rain for 40 days and 40 nights." Six months later the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard –but no Ark.

"Noah !" he roared. "I am about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me Lord" begged Noah "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval because the Ark was over 30 sq m. I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim I should have obtained planning permission for building it in my garden as is it is development of the site even though it is a temporary structure, but the roof is too high.

We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision. The Local Area access group complained that my ramp was too steep and the inside of the Ark wasn't fully accessible, the the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of removing power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Arks move to the sea. I told them the sea would be coming to us but they wouldn't hear of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a site of Special Scientific Interest set up to protect the spotted owl. I tried to tell the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls – but no go.

When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA sued me. They insisted I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a restricted space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they had done an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I am still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many BMEs I'm supposed to hire for my building team.

The Trade Unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I only use CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse Customs and Excise seized all my assets claiming I am trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me Lord but it would take 10 years to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun shone and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it!"

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